Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
