I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize