I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
No stitches, just platelets and will power
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
