she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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