Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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