i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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