I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
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