he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
