but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
