Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
