Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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