I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
