Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
