Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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