Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
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