i permit you to call me
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
