I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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