After last night, I could never be a politician.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
