I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
