um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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