I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
