He asked to "fluff my boner.."
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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