Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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