well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
We had sex on a dog bed..
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
