Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
