Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
