So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
