I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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