Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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