I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I am available for nakedness
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
