i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
