a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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