I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
