i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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