where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
