Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
