he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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