like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
