You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
you inspire me to be a worse person
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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