Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
