is your mom at the bar?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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