This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
