i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
