not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
