I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
