what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Randomize