I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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