Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
