Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
