Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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