I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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