Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
