I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Randomize
