All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
