the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
