6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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