I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
