she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
